Than our 14 oz.? Wow..what a deal!
When I was in the 4th or 5th grade, I twisted my ankle out on the playground. A teacher took me to the nurses office where they had me take off my shoe and sock. The nurse exclaimed "Oh dear, it's swollen!..let's see your other ankle to see how bad." I took off my other shoe and sock only to be met with "Oh, never mind, it's supposed to look like that." Ahhh..so fun to be the fat kid.
The first time DeWitte's parents and my parents met, (I might have already told this one but oh well.) my mother went over and said "So nice to meet you, I'm Judy!" to which DeWitte's mother answered "Thanks, I'm Mrs. Wilson." At least she didn't threaten to turn my mom into a "grease spot", one of her favorite threats.
At the beach last Sunday, we were sitting next to a gregarious, if I wanna be nice, or talked just to hear himself talk, if I don't, man. I was sitting in my chair reading my book when he approached and said "Ma'am, do you know what time it is?" I said, "Sure..it's 5:01". I thought the conversation was over until he started apologizing for calling me ma'am..said that's the way he was raised, he didn't mean to imply that I was old..which ended with him saying "I mean, I'll be old some day too, right?" Which made me wonder..Am I old? The funny thing was that I didn't take offense when he called me ma'am in the first place.
Nathan got DeWitte a "squirrel proof "bird feeder, for Father's Day, that the squirrels made their own buffet. It's hanging from the tree next to the deck. They learned that they can turn it around and it's squirrel proof no more. We were having a lot of fun watching them eat but then they started getting kind of cocky. Instead of running away when you went outside, they give you the finger and tell you to "fill em' up and keep it coming". They were getting to be kind of like scary biker squirrels. After that one squirrel ran across my foot, I thought maybe we should figure out a way to tie it up so that they couldn't turn it around anymore. I mean, I don't want some squirrel eating my face off just because I forgot to buy bird seed, ya know?
Well, a couple days ago, DeWitte was home for lunch and went out to the garage to find something to do just that. As he walked out the back door, Nathan rounded the corner in the kitchen and asks "So, this mating thing..I know it takes a girl and a boy but what do they gotta do to make a baby?" Because my mind went right to "Holy crap, it's about. time!", I didn't get all weird and tell him to sit down, there by making it a big deal. No, because I've been ready for this conversation for so long, I just told him, like I would spout out a recipe for bread.
I started with puberty, telling him we'd have a nice long talk about birth control when he was a little older, erections, vaginas..that's when I spotted DeWitte out of the corner of my eye, outside next to the tree. That's when I got worried. I was afraid that he might pick up on words like ejaculation, uterus or sperm by osmosis. They might waft out of the closed patio door like the smell of a dead possum in the woods. But, I was doing so well, I couldn't stop just because I was afraid DeWitte would drop dead in the yard and the savage squirrels would eat his face, so we'd have to have a closed casket. I'd just have to take my chances. So, on with the talk I went. I told him every age appropriate thing I could think of, being sure to tell that if he ever has any questions, which I'm sure he will, please don't be afraid to ask. And done!
Nathan said "Huh", shrugged and went back to his room, I don't have to worry about "The Talk" anymore and when I looked out of the patio door, DeWitte was still on his feet, face intact, so we all came through alive on the other side.
As for the squirrels..they figured out how to get into the mounted squirrel proof bird feeder in under 10 minutes and now there's an entire gang of biker squirrels out there. If you come over, guard your face.
So, we made it to the parade, like we always do (I LOVE parades..especially the marching bands), only we made it with a different mode of transportation. We took our bikes. The parade grounds are only a couple miles away by car but by bike, taking back roads so Nathan doesn't end up being road kill, it's about 45 miles at the least. That's because whoever designed the back roads has a sense of humor. If you look it up the satellite map on Google, the streets spell out "Screw you, asshole.".
I was kind of hesitant to take our bikes because I know how Nathan is. He starts out all gung ho but after the first 30 miles, he starts complaining. Thankfully, I was pleasantly surprised, he didn't complain at all and he didn't hurt himself by being stupid a single time. No, the problems came because of DeWitte. He rides his bike so slow, you'd think that it had training wheels. There have been numerous situations in my life that I've been passed up by a hover chair but when that lady with the walker passed us, I knew it wasn't just me. Hell, my bike would need training wheels to go that slow.
We finally made it to the parade, which was awesome. First was the crap part of any parade, local politicians, some I wanted to throw my water bottle at, some I voted for (Hey..did I tell you that I'm not allowed to be involved in politics while doing this PTA crap? That's like asking a fish not to swim, I hope I don't explode!), then the beauty queens. It's amazing how many kinds of beauty queens we have around here. There's the regular, the pre-teen, the teen, the junior, the ethnic, the between pre-teen and junior, the between teen and pre-teen. Seems like the only requirement they have is that you have to master the wave. I'm gonna work on mine so I can be in the parade next year. My signs gonna say Mrs. Chesapeakes Middle Aged, Fat Mom 2010, which might be kind of weird but I'm pretty sure if I've mastered the wave, I'm in. I just need to get my hands on a convertible.
After the crap part came the good part. The military people, the cool Shriner cars, the marching bands, and just when I was all happy and into it, I heard them. The bagpipes. About 10 or 11 years ago, my mom made us go to to a Tattoo. Since then, every time I hear bagpipes, my ears start to bleed. I grabbed a napkin, ready for the carnage but surprisingly enough, it never happened. I guess it must only take a decade to recover from Tattoo inflicted listening injuries.
What's weird about 4th of July parades is that you never know when they're over. Parades that aren't on TV have pauses, so unless you see Santa, you have to wait a bit to see if it's really over or if maybe the middle school marching band just doesn't have it together yet.
After we confirmed that the parade was indeed over, it was another slow trek over to the park to stand in long lines. But..before that, we had to lock up our bikes. That's when I found out why DeWitte was riding so slow. Because when their bikes were stolen, DeWitte went out and bought bike locks but because we actually needed them, they were nowhere to be found. What DeWitte did find was a chain so big that I'm pretty sure it came off of an air craft carrier and a lock as big as my head. All that metal was weighing him down.
That didn't turn out to be so bad, though. I did see a lot of people watching while we stood in long lines for everything from riding the paddle boats to buying chicken nuggets and fries, so that Nathan could drop half of them the second he got them. There were a LOT of rednecks at that park yesterday! The amount of bad teeth alone was astounding. Not that we have bad teeth or anything but that chain and lock fit right in.
Finally, it was time to ride our way back home at a snails pace and I have some advice. If you are a fat, middle aged woman who hasn't ridden a bike as transportation since you got your drivers licence and you find yourself on a painfully slow 45 mile ride back home. Don't stop peddling until you're safe and sound in your own bed. That's when the real pain starts.
Since it's been determined that I'm a neer do well, a bad egg (I crack myself up!), if you will, for keeping illegal chickens, I've devised a way to call them that keeps the fact that they exist on the down low..
I might get arrested for keeping too many cats but nobody will ever suspect chickens!
And I mean that literally!
I know that it's summer and I'm supposed to throw Nathan outside and lock the door behind him so that he can jack up the tractor all day and cut his arm off but dang, when it gets so hot out that DeWitte and I can't work together, and we're a more cohesive team than Cagney and Lacey, that seems mean. Especially when I'm in here in the air conditioning!
So, when it's that hot, I, apparently, become a bad mother. I don't make him go outside to spontaneously combust, I let him stay in here with me. He plays Lego's and cars, we play games and read, he pretends to clean his room but I also let him watch TV for an hour a day. During the school year, it's rare for the TV to be on during the day, so I'm not always prepared for daytime TV.
A month in, I can't take cartoons another second...even though I don't watch, I'm just listening, so we've tried to find a happy medium. Animal planet doesn't work because they seem to only show Animal Cops, which seems like gratuitous cruelty, and some stupid meerkat show, no matter what time Nathan turns on the TV. And, have you ever watched the commercials on Animal Planet? I spend half of them telling Nathan to cover his eyes, they're that violent.
News shows don't work. Sure, they start out fine, we find out whats going on in Iran but then, out of nowhere, you get "A man was found in Tacoma today with toddler penises tied to his dread locks..story to follow" because I guess that's whats needed to keep people tuned in? And the commercials on those shows are either for medication, which is fine or erectile dysfunction, uhg! I'd like the chance to explain erectile function (is he ever gonna ask?!) before I've got to explain why the plumbing might get gunked up.
The History Channel has nice shows like "Gangland: Gangsta Killers". I guess I could check out the Discovery channel but more times than not, the channel surfing stops at the Food Network.
Well, as you may or may not remember, I changed our diet so that it's very healthy and in the process, have been trying to put us into the poor house, because, damn, it's expensive to eat well! And, because I love to cook, I usually actually end up paying attention. Holy Crap! Paula Dean might as well ask me to feed my family lard. Bobby Flay recommends enough red meat to kill all of our colons. I hate that diner guy because of how he wears his sun glasses, not to mention, everybody can't have the best hamburgers! (And it grosses me out to watch him eat like it does watching an eating contest.) I'm convinced that Sandra Lee lady is not only tacky with her place settings but a closet alcoholic. Nobody drinks that much booze in the day time. And Racheal Ray? I think we've covered how I feel about her.
So, what's a mom to do? I think take all this bad food and make it a lesson! Take all these artery clogging recipes and have Nathan help me turn them into healthy ones. Or..we could just watch the squirrel eat out of the squirrel proof feeder. I'm not sure which would be more entertaining.
