Food Networks Trying To Kill Me

And I mean that literally!

I know that it's summer and I'm supposed to throw Nathan outside and lock the door behind him so that he can jack up the tractor all day and cut his arm off but dang, when it gets so hot out that DeWitte and I can't work together, and we're a more cohesive team than Cagney and Lacey, that seems mean. Especially when I'm in here in the air conditioning!

So, when it's that hot, I, apparently, become a bad mother. I don't make him go outside to spontaneously combust, I let him stay in here with me. He plays Lego's and cars, we play games and read, he pretends to clean his room but I also let him watch TV for an hour a day. During the school year, it's rare for the TV to be on during the day, so I'm not always prepared for daytime TV.

A month in, I can't take cartoons another second...even though I don't watch, I'm just listening, so we've tried to find a happy medium. Animal planet doesn't work because they seem to only show Animal Cops, which seems like gratuitous cruelty, and some stupid meerkat show, no matter what time Nathan turns on the TV. And, have you ever watched the commercials on Animal Planet? I spend half of them telling Nathan to cover his eyes, they're that violent.

News shows don't work. Sure, they start out fine, we find out whats going on in Iran but then, out of nowhere, you get "A man was found in Tacoma today with toddler penises tied to his dread locks..story to follow" because I guess that's whats needed to keep people tuned in? And the commercials on those shows are either for medication, which is fine or erectile dysfunction, uhg! I'd like the chance to explain erectile function (is he ever gonna ask?!) before I've got to explain why the plumbing might get gunked up.

The History Channel has nice shows like "Gangland: Gangsta Killers". I guess I could check out the Discovery channel but more times than not, the channel surfing stops at the Food Network.

Well, as you may or may not remember, I changed our diet so that it's very healthy and in the process, have been trying to put us into the poor house, because, damn, it's expensive to eat well! And, because I love to cook, I usually actually end up paying attention. Holy Crap! Paula Dean might as well ask me to feed my family lard. Bobby Flay recommends enough red meat to kill all of our colons. I hate that diner guy because of how he wears his sun glasses, not to mention, everybody can't have the best hamburgers! (And it grosses me out to watch him eat like it does watching an eating contest.) I'm convinced that Sandra Lee lady is not only tacky with her place settings but a closet alcoholic. Nobody drinks that much booze in the day time. And Racheal Ray? I think we've covered how I feel about her.

So, what's a mom to do? I think take all this bad food and make it a lesson! Take all these artery clogging recipes and have Nathan help me turn them into healthy ones. Or..we could just watch the squirrel eat out of the squirrel proof feeder. I'm not sure which would be more entertaining.