Blessed Are The Cheese Makers...

Life of Brian- Sermon on the Mount Scene

Well, that may be true but it's not true for this cheese maker, they probably mean the people that make cheddar. They should say blessed are the cheddar cheese makers, narrow it down a bit.

So, I've been experimenting. My first batch of Mozzarella cheese turned out pretty good but I thought it could be better. I did more research and found out that it could be a lot better and so I set out to give it a try. I ordered natural cultures to use instead of citric acid. I ordered calf lipase to give it a more mozzarella taste, I won't even tell you how they make that..it'd just gross you out. I ordered calcium chloride to counter the homogenized thing so that I didn't have to run out to the dairy every five seconds. I even got my hands on a smokin' PH meter pen thing that cost a mint and I now know the PH of pretty much everything in my fridge. If you want to know the PH of anything, just let me know.

And last but not least, I've spent a small fortune on milk. I've spent so much on milk I could have hired an authentic Italian cheese maker to come to my house and make the stupid cheese because I've screwed up every single batch so far. All of them. I've done everything wrong that I could do wrong as far as I can tell. That's why my house is starting to smell like Nathan's room when you don't yell at him to take out the old milk cups he takes to bed.

I think I might have gotten it this time, though. Every time I've screwed up so far, I've gone back and examined exactly what I did wrong and have managed to find the answer. So this time I went back to the dairy and got the good milk. Creamline. Un-homogenized, creamy, cheese making gold. It costs more than homogenized milk but they have to charge more money because it takes less work.

When we were in line, I noticed that the couple in front of us had three half gallons of creamline milk. I was wondering why they were hogging it all, maybe they were wanna be cheese makers, too. I was saying as much to DeWitte as we were getting in the car when I looked over and saw the guy open up the bottle and start chugging it. I threw up a little bit in my mouth at that point. I don't know if you've ever seen creamline milk but it's got a big thing of fat at the top. You've got to break up the fat before you pour it so the milks all chunky. It's like a heart attack in a bottle if you drank it. That guy must have some kind of death wish.

Well, if it doesn't work this time I should probably consider getting my own cow so we don't have to go to the poor house because I'm not giving up until I get it right. The ultimate lasagna isn't going to make itself, ya know. I've got the sauce and the pasta down pat. After I get the cheese to work, it's on to my own sausage and, thank goodness, sausage doesn't seem that daunting.