Assume The Position

Nathan's cat, Gertrude, is in heat. I haven't had her fixed yet because they want three hundred dollars to fix a cat at our vet and I'm not paying three hundred dollars to fix a cat.  I'd call animal control and see if they could recommend some place but they'd just have me arrested because we let DeWitte's cat go outside. I'm just gonna wait for the snip-it van to come close to the area and take her there. Three hundred dollars...right! I could probably get DeWitte fixed for less than that.

Anyway, so now we've got a kitten/cat (she's a woman now, right?) howling and yowling and rolling all over the floor. Every tom cat in the area has managed to find our house, they sit on the deck and ask Gertrude if they can buy her a drink. I know how they are. Get her all liquored up, have their way with her and then take no responsibility at all for the babies. No sir, not gonna happen. I'll get her a cat chastity belt first, which would still probably cost less then three hundred bucks.

This has, however, been a learning experience. Nathan's got a ton of questions.

N. What's wrong with my cat?
Me. She's in heat.
N. What does that mean?
Me. Her bodies ready to have babies.
N. So what does that make her in human years? About thirty? That's when you can have babies, right?
Me. No, that makes her a teenager. That's when people hit puberty and your body changes. A boy gets facial hair, among other things, and girls get breasts and stuff. (DeWitte said I should have said yes, you can't have babies till you're thirty.)
N. Girls have babies, why do boys hit puberty, too?
Me. It takes a boy and a girl to make a baby.
N. It does?! (Completely amazed and taken off guard.)

Obviously, he hasn't been around the block yet. I guess it's a good thing we keep those PG-13 movies down to a minimum. I'd have given him more information but everything I read said don't volunteer information. Answer the questions that they ask, answer them honestly and on their level. At this rate, he'll hit puberty before he finds out why it takes a boy and a girl to make a baby.

Well, his quest for knowledge on the cat in heat thing hasn't been dampened by the conversation that we had. Yesterday at the library, Nathan got the ultimate cat book, to see what they had to say on the subject. I'm glad to see he's learned to use an index. He took it to bed last night and when DeWitte went to tuck him in, he had the page open to the "cat's in love" section. On the page was a drawing of a cat in mating position, raring to go. Nathan read the passage under the picture to DeWitte. When the word mating came up and Nathan remarked, "Whatever that is.", DeWitte put his fingers in his ears and sang LALALALA, all the way back down stairs. Sex talk isn't his forte, even if it just involves cats.

This morning, proud of his new found knowledge, Nathan bounds into our room with the book and plops it down, open to the cat's in love page. "Right there, that's a picture of a cat in heat that's assumed the position." Like I needed a picture, I had a live version sitting right there on the foot of my bed. I looked at his picture and read the passage above. All I can say is it's a good thing that Nathan only reads what he has to because it described cat lovin' in such detail that when I pointed it out to DeWitte, he slammed the book closed like it was Penthouse Letters or something. Cat porn, right there in our own bedroom! The nerve. I'm glad the book didn't have any more pictures or DeWitte would have taken it back, right then and there.

I'm not sure how long cat's stay in heat, maybe I should look that up in the cat book. I can say it hasn't been boring but snip-it van, here I come!