You haven't lived until you've had your butt handed to you by an 8 year old...

Literally!

I had to shoot through three lanes of traffic and some old guy who looked like he was afraid that if he went over 20 miles an hour he'd blow a tire, to get to a gas station.

It cost me $45 to fill my tank. $45! My car's only a little bit bigger than a hot wheel...dang! I don't know how you guys with the big cars can do it.

I'd consider getting a scooter but all three of us can't fit on one of those.

Like the Swiss during WWII, only with less new "found" wealth. Those sneaky Swiss.. Anyway, the front yard's neutral, it's all about curb appeal and nothing else.

Now the back yard. The back yard is where our individual personalities shine. It's split right down the middle at my herb garden. DeWitte's got the back of the yard and I've got the front. It's a compromise that's kept the peace for the 11 years we've lived in this house.

On my side, we've got the deck, where we and our friends sit and talk as I cook out on the grill..it's also got pretty lighting, that was replaced this year, so we can see when it gets dark.

That's where my flower garden is, too..

It's where you can sit in the swing and watch the fish and listen to the frogs..

Or just visit with Frank..

We spend a lot of time in the screen house, eating dinner or playing games. It'll have a stereo and a fan within the month..

This is the view of my side of the yard from DeWittes..

I like it.

Now, on DeWitte's side of the yard is the garage..

I'll give him a break because he's got to share his side with Nathan..they both really like their crap.

The fire pit is on DeWitte's side, too.

When you look closely at the pool, I'm sure you'll appreciate the indoor-outdoor carpeting...

What fictional character do you relate to most and why?

I can't think of any for myself, my life is more of a good sit-com than good fiction. But...One year, Nathan wanted to be a rabbit for Halloween, he likes cats and rabbits a lot, he's got this one stuffed rabbit, Rabbit Wilson, that he's been dragging along with him since he was about one. We don't see Rabbit Wilson much these days unless Nathan's feeling nervous or stressful about something..I kind of miss that rabbit. Anyhow, I got some brown velvety material and had a great idea...I tell DeWitte and Nathan..He can be The Velveteen Rabbit! They just blinked at me. *blink* *blink* I said "You know, The Velveteen Rabbit?" I was mostly talking to DeWitte, Nathan was only about 4 or 5..more blinking.

DeWitte had never heard of it before. I guess his lack of reading started earlier than I thought. He has a hard time concentrating when he's reading. We'll be out on the front porch with our books and I'm reading away when all of the sudden, DeWitte will start clapping like he's wanting an encore. I'll stop reading and ask what the hell's wrong with him and he'll say.."That bird, it was chirping and I couldn't think." That's when I roll my eyes and go back to my book. I've seen him read the same book for over 6 months! That's because he doesn't read fiction, he reads non-fiction and that would bore the pants off of anyone.

So, instead of just telling them what The Velveteen Rabbit was about, I bought the book. That night DeWitte read it to Nathan...He can get through a kids book. I came in just as they're about to burn up the rabbit. Nathan and DeWitte both had tears in their eyes and Nathan wails "They're gonna burn the bunny!", as he hugs Rabbit Wilson even tighter. Oh Lord! I tell them they're not gonna burn the bunny or else it would have been called The Inferno Rabbit instead of The Velveteen Rabbit and to just keep reading..after you wipe your eyes, of course. It was too late, though, the damage had already been done. Every day I got questions like "If I get scarlet fever, you won't hurt Rabbit Wilson, will you?" Yeah..he'll be the first one to go..can anybody else see a shrink in his future?

He ended up being Peter Rabbit, minus the clothes, instead of The Velveteen Rabbit, which was probably even better because Peter Rabbit's personality fits Nathan to a tee. They both seem to find trouble wherever they go.

Are you celebrating Cinco de Mayo?

Well, I didn't think so but when I got up this morning DeWitte grilled me like it was the Spanish inquisition...which I wasn't expecting because nobody expects a Spanish inquisition, as to just why I'm was making Mexican for lunch..I had a luncheon for the people in his office. I told him because of all the great produce they had on sale at the fancy grocery store yesterday. How can you get gorgeous avocados, jalapeños and tomatoes without automatically thinking Mexican? It physically can't be done. Throw in some tomatillos, peppers and limes and you got yourself a fiesta! He said "Didn't you know it was Cinco de Mayo?" No, I had no idea. I guess the grocery store brain washed me.

I didn't even know what Cinco de Mayo was so I had to look it up. It's apparently the day that the Mexicans defeated the French..I guess pretty much anybody can beat the French's ass. It had absolutely nothing to do with the lack of butter, wine or escargot in Mexico. Apparently Napoleon was dead set on getting his hands on Mexico..he probably thought the jumping beans were neat and wanted them all for himself, but the Mexicans, while not the snappy dressers the French were, were a feisty lot and they beat the French up and kicked them the heck out of Mexico. America would have helped them out and gotten in the middle of it like we do with everything else but we were in a Civil War, so they had to fend for themselves with the help of some Texas born army guys. That's why Mexico isn't known for their fries but their wonderful fajitas instead, which is what we had for lunch.

Now the holiday seems to be just about the alcohol consumptions...which we didn't have for lunch, everybody had to go back to work but I wish I'd have known sooner, I could have at least gotten us a pinata.

I know, it's usually the kid that says the teacher doesn't like them. But through two years of pre-school, kindergarten and first grade, I helped out with every single field trip, school activity, all the "holiday" parties that were held and everything else that went on in that school. I got really lucky last year, the teacher seemed especially fond of me because she'd even stop by my house, so I might have been a little bit spoiled. I think it's because I told her that if I had her job I'd either kill myself or one of those kids. I think she feels the same way herself.

This year, it's already almost over, and not one phone call. No call to arms to keep the masses together during field day. No emergency visits to the grocery store for forgotten ice cream. Not once did I get to ask..would you like sprinkles on that? They only time I get a call is when Nathan pukes, and that's not the kind of call I've been looking for.

This week was the last field trip of the year and still, no phone call. It kind of feels like being dumped. Wounded pride mixed with disappointment. Fine, I didn't want to go on any stupid field trips, anyhow! Who wants to go look at a bunch of stupid chickens? Oh, and some pigs..well, I kind of like pigs. They had lambs, too? Lambs are so cute.

When Nathan got home I asked if anybodies parents did go. He said, yeah, Deanna's mom. What?! Deanna's mom got to go? I know Deanna...she's a little punk. Even at 8 you can see how she's gonna turn out baring some unforeseen miracle. Well, insert self-righteous indignation right here! Then he said "Well, yeah, she had to go or Deanna couldn't come on the field trip." *raise eyebrows* "Why is that?", I ask. Turns out, the teacher calls the parents of the bad kids. If they can't come and keep their kid in line, the kid doesn't get to go, either. All of the sudden, I feel like a blanket of darkness has lifted before my eyes....that's brilliant!  He said Deanna behaved herself the entire time.

Too bad I didn't figure out this scheme a little sooner. I could have told Nathan to act up right before one and then I could get see the lambs, too. 

Can anybody tell me why, when having a certain little person help with a task, that task, whatever it might be, takes nearly three times as long as it would have if I didn't have any help at all? And why, when you give them a task that suits their capacity, fetching (This is something they don't tell you before you have kids..after a certain age, they're wonderful fetchers...like service dogs that talk back. You'll remember it vividly, if you're anywhere close to my age, in the form of "Hey, get up and turn the TV channel!"), they turn it into a Family Circus cartoon?

I guess I'd better just go get a kitchen spoon, I don't think I'll be seeing that trowel for a while...

As you were.

And that's just what I've been doing, working hard. Well, not today, today I read because it was raining outside (and we had a bunch of tornadoes...unusual for this area. I'm really glad they didn't hit here but I feel so sorry for all those people that lost absolutely everything.)

So, I couldn't beat them. I tried to drown them, I tried to poison them, I tried to out them with foul smelling caster oil (You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I bought two huge bottles of caster oil. It was priceless. She must think we've got a mean case of constipation.), I've made their lives as unpleasant as humanly possible and they still won't leave. I'm not talking about the bumpasses, either, I'm talking about all the damn voles.

They've eaten all but one of my Lily-of-the-Valley..that I got from DeWitte's parents garden before his Dad moved, the bastards, can't get those back. They've eaten all of the Hostas, Dahlias and most of the lily's. When I cleaned out my herb garden it looked like a piece of swiss cheese with all the holes they made. If I stood out there with a hammer, I'd have been delighted to play Wack-A-Vole with absolutely no guilt. At all. They haven't eaten the Canna Lily's, which they can have, I can't stand those things and I can't get rid of them, either....their welcome to eat all of those that they want.

Well, enough is enough. They can have the lawn but I'm taking back my gardens. I don't put in all that hard work (not to mention all that money on plants) to have them eaten like a mid-morning snack. I told Nathan to put his shoes on, I had a plan, and thirty minutes later we were walking out the door. How he can find any given Hot Wheel in moments flat but it takes him a half hour to find his shoes amazes me.  I went to the hardware and got a big roll of chicken wire and came home and dug out the herb garden and the pergola garden all the way wide and 10 to 12 inches deep...that was a lot of digging but I had it done by the time DeWitte got home from work. Then I had him (I love him for more than his body and his brain, his brawns not to shabby, either) lay the beds with chicken wire and he helped me fill them back up.

Now I just have to do that to three more gardens and I'm done with all the digging. That should work, I hope that works, because at this point, I'm out of ideas.

Now it all started about two weeks ago on a Tuesday, on a Tuesday two weeks ago, DeWitte and I were driving down the street when he asked me where my license was. What is this, some kind of senility test? It's in my purse where it always is...Where's your license? Because two can play that game. He roots around in my purse and pulls it out. "Ha" he says "Your license is expired!" "What?!" I say, "Why'd you have to go and tell me that! Now if I get pulled over, I won't be able to say I didn't know it was expired. Thank you very much."

I wasn't very worried about it because I don't usually do anything wrong to get pulled over. I don't even get nervous when I see a cop behind me, unlike DeWitte, he gets so tense I think his testicles must retract into his body and he doesn't do anything wrong, either. I figured I'd get to it when I got to it.

Fast forward to this afternoon. For the last three day's I've been a planting fool. I've planted at least a hundred fifty dollars worth of plants but was that enough? Heck no! I managed to go through all my potting soil and all my shake and scratch Miracle-Gro and I wanted some hosta's for the bed under my pergola so it was off to Home Depot for a plant run, which is kind of like a beer run but for plants.

So I'm driving along, with windows down and the radio playing, singing along to beat the band, when all of the sudden I see a cop with his lights on in the rear view. I'm thinking he just needs to get around me so I pull into the right lane. He followed. My heart starts to pound a hundred miles an hour because I realized he means me. Me? Why me? I didn't do anything wrong!

I pulled into a gas station and the first thing I thought was "License and registration, please" like I see on all those cop shows.. The second thing I thought of was that I hadn't gotten my license renewed and the third thing I thought of was that my glove box had been randomly flying open so DeWitte all but super glued it shut and that's where my registration was. Oh crap, oh crap, I'm pulling at my glove box handle like a teenage boy that's just discovered hand cream while I watch the cop walk closer and closer to my car.  I finally get it open but have no idea what a registration even looks like just as he gets to my window. "License and registration, please." he says. As I'm fumbling through the contents of my glove box and then the contents of my purse, he explains that he pulled me over because the tags on my license plates are expired....I didn't even know about that! I hand him my license and registration, just like in the movies but my hands are shaking so bad you'd think I had a bag of crack or something hidden in my car.

He goes back to his car while I sit and feel stunned and watch people in traffic stare and point until he came back. He tells me that my drivers license is expired, too..Thank God he didn't ask me if I already knew because I'm a lousy lier. He tells me he's going to just give me a warning, much to DeWitte's delight but I couldn't drive my car. I had to park it right there and get a "licensed driver" to pick it up for me.

Luckily I'd thrown my cell phone in my purse just before I left the house, which I never remember to do. I called DeWitte, lucky for me, he wasn't still out in the yard mowing it so he heard the phone and told him what happened. He said he'd be right there. Nathan was next door playing, he was filthy and didn't have his shoes on but luckily they said he could stay. And also lucky for me, Donna wasn't doing anything when DeWitte called her for a ride and they were able to come right away and save the day.

After they came and got me, we all headed to Home Depot for our loot. As we were standing in line to check out, this guy comes over with a cart of $22.95 Mandavillas and marks them down to $2.49 because they had too many. How lucky was that? I got three and Donna got one. I gave one to the Bumpasses for watching Nathan.

The only way the whole thing could have worked out better would be if I wasn't pulled over in the first place, but then I wouldn't have gotten such a great deal on those flowers. DeWitte thinks I used up all my karma points, including my bonus karma so I guess I'd better watch my back for a while until I build up some more.

I'll take care of my license on Monday.