So, we made it to the parade, like we always do (I LOVE parades..especially the marching bands), only we made it with a different mode of transportation. We took our bikes. The parade grounds are only a couple miles away by car but by bike, taking back roads so Nathan doesn't end up being road kill, it's about 45 miles at the least. That's because whoever designed the back roads has a sense of humor. If you look it up the satellite map on Google, the streets spell out "Screw you, asshole.".
I was kind of hesitant to take our bikes because I know how Nathan is. He starts out all gung ho but after the first 30 miles, he starts complaining. Thankfully, I was pleasantly surprised, he didn't complain at all and he didn't hurt himself by being stupid a single time. No, the problems came because of DeWitte. He rides his bike so slow, you'd think that it had training wheels. There have been numerous situations in my life that I've been passed up by a hover chair but when that lady with the walker passed us, I knew it wasn't just me. Hell, my bike would need training wheels to go that slow.
We finally made it to the parade, which was awesome. First was the crap part of any parade, local politicians, some I wanted to throw my water bottle at, some I voted for (Hey..did I tell you that I'm not allowed to be involved in politics while doing this PTA crap? That's like asking a fish not to swim, I hope I don't explode!), then the beauty queens. It's amazing how many kinds of beauty queens we have around here. There's the regular, the pre-teen, the teen, the junior, the ethnic, the between pre-teen and junior, the between teen and pre-teen. Seems like the only requirement they have is that you have to master the wave. I'm gonna work on mine so I can be in the parade next year. My signs gonna say Mrs. Chesapeakes Middle Aged, Fat Mom 2010, which might be kind of weird but I'm pretty sure if I've mastered the wave, I'm in. I just need to get my hands on a convertible.
After the crap part came the good part. The military people, the cool Shriner cars, the marching bands, and just when I was all happy and into it, I heard them. The bagpipes. About 10 or 11 years ago, my mom made us to to a Tattoo. Since then, every time I hear bagpipes, my ears start to bleed. I grabbed a napkin, ready for the carnage but surprisingly enough, it never happened. I guess it must only take a decade to recover from Tattoo inflicted listening injuries.
What's weird about 4th of July parades is that you never know when they're over. Parades that aren't on TV have pauses, so unless you see Santa, you have to wait a bit to see if it's really over or if maybe the middle school marching band just doesn't have it together yet.
After we confirmed that the parade was indeed over, it was another slow trek over to the park to stand in long lines. But..before that, we had to lock up our bikes. That's when I found out why DeWitte was riding so slow. Because when their bikes were stolen, DeWitte went out and bought bike locks but because we actually needed them, they were nowhere to be found. What DeWitte did find was a chain so big that I'm pretty sure it came off of an air craft carrier and a lock as big as my head. All that metal was weighing him down.
That didn't turn out to be so bad, though. I did see a lot of people watching while we stood in long lines for everything from riding the paddle boats to buying chicken nuggets and fries, so that Nathan could drop half of them the second he got them. There were a LOT of rednecks at that park yesterday! The amount of bad teeth alone was astounding. Not that we have bad teeth or anything but that chain and lock fit right in.
Finally, it was time to ride our way back home at a snails pace and I have some advice. If you are a fat, middle aged woman who hasn't ridden a bike as transportation since you got your drivers licence and you find yourself on a painfully slow 45 mile ride back home. Don't stop peddling until you're safe and sound in your own bed. That's when the real pain starts.
Since it's been determined that I'm a neer do well, a bad egg (I crack myself up!), if you will, for keeping illegal chickens, I've devised a way to call them that keeps the fact that they exist on the down low..
I might get arrested for keeping too many cats but nobody will ever suspect chickens!
And I mean that literally!
I know that it's summer and I'm supposed to throw Nathan outside and lock the door behind him so that he can jack up the tractor all day and cut his arm off but dang, when it gets so hot out that DeWitte and I can't work together, and we're a more cohesive team than Cagney and Lacey, that seems mean. Especially when I'm in here in the air conditioning!
So, when it's that hot, I, apparently, become a bad mother. I don't make him go outside to spontaneously combust, I let him stay in here with me. He plays Lego's and cars, we play games and read, he pretends to clean his room but I also let him watch TV for an hour a day. During the school year, it's rare for the TV to be on during the day, so I'm not always prepared for daytime TV.
A month in, I can't take cartoons another second...even though I don't watch, I'm just listening, so we've tried to find a happy medium. Animal planet doesn't work because they seem to only show Animal Cops, which seems like gratuitous cruelty, and some stupid meerkat show, no matter what time Nathan turns on the TV. And, have you ever watched the commercials on Animal Planet? I spend half of them telling Nathan to cover his eyes, they're that violent.
News shows don't work. Sure, they start out fine, we find out whats going on in Iran but then, out of nowhere, you get "A man was found in Tacoma today with toddler penises tied to his dread locks..story to follow" because I guess that's whats needed to keep people tuned in? And the commercials on those shows are either for medication, which is fine or erectile dysfunction, uhg! I'd like the chance to explain erectile function (is he ever gonna ask?!) before I've got to explain why the plumbing might get gunked up.
The History Channel has nice shows like "Gangland: Gangsta Killers". I guess I could check out the Discovery channel but more times than not, the channel surfing stops at the Food Network.
Well, as you may or may not remember, I changed our diet so that it's very healthy and in the process, have been trying to put us into the poor house, because, damn, it's expensive to eat well! And, because I love to cook, I usually actually end up paying attention. Holy Crap! Paula Dean might as well ask me to feed my family lard. Bobby Flay recommends enough red meat to kill all of our colons. I hate that diner guy because of how he wears his sun glasses, not to mention, everybody can't have the best hamburgers! (And it grosses me out to watch him eat like it does watching an eating contest.) I'm convinced that Sandra Lee lady is not only tacky with her place settings but a closet alcoholic. Nobody drinks that much booze in the day time. And Racheal Ray? I think we've covered how I feel about her.
So, what's a mom to do? I think take all this bad food and make it a lesson! Take all these artery clogging recipes and have Nathan help me turn them into healthy ones. Or..we could just watch the squirrel eat out of the squirrel proof feeder. I'm not sure which would be more entertaining.
Janie came to visit me today! She's the first Vox person that's ever come to my house (You're all more than welcome, you know, but no, everybody's gotta be stuck up and not plan their vacations and business trips around me.).
I got to show her my chicks..but totally forgot to show her how they come running like maniac chickens, falling all over each other, when I yell "Here kitty, kitty!"
After that, I made her take me downtown because when people come to visit, I enjoy it when they chauffeur me around town. Not really (but if anyone wants to offer!), I still haven't gotten the air conditioner fixed in my car, because I'm lazy like that, so she was nice enough to drive.
We went to an area in Norfolk called Ghent. That's where my house, that Nathan's gonna buy me when I'm old lives, as well as tons and tons of pretty and very large old houses reside. If you ever find yourselves there, the one on the corner of Freemason and Botetourt is mine so keep your paws off. You can have the one across the street or next door if you want. Just don't forget to get yourself a maid, though, nobody wants to have to clean houses that big unless they're being paid.
From there, we walked to the Norfolk Pagoda for lunch. One, because the building looks cool as hell, two because Nathan's been bugging the crap out of me to eat there. Well, the food turned out to be kind of just OK and Thank God we didn't take DeWitte with us! Not because of meh food but because the server had more cleavage than Pamala Anderson in the her honeymoon video. And not the impressive chin pinching kind of cleavage, either..the falling out kind of cleavage. DeWitte would have had to eat lunch under the table. Every time she bent over our table, I was ready to catch them, should they fall out and into my veggie wrap. Or worse, I was worried when she bent over near Nathan that they'd fall out and poke him in the eye. I'd hate to have him develope cleavage phobia before he's even out of the starting gate!
After more walking and lots of talking and being chauffeur home, Janie left to pick up Steve from work (that's why she's here, Steve is on a business trip). I had a ton of fun and if anyone else wants to come visit, I promise to try to keep the cleavage to a minimum, unless cleavage is what your after, than I know just the place!
Chicks 6 weeks old..
This is Pearl (our soup names went out the window when we built the Poop Coop)..People seem to like her the best. I think because she was the cute little yellow chick everybody pictures when then think of chicks..
Lizzy used to be my favorite..
but she's getting more stuck up the older she gets so now my favorite is Flo..
She's got Farrah feathered feathers, she's a complete pig and she likes me :D Or, she likes my corn, anyway. I'll take either. (I didn't notice that Nathan was naming them after characters from Cars until he wanted to name one Sally.)
Esther is DeWitte's chicken.
He picked her out and she's the only one he knows by name just by looking at her.
Mildred is the reason they're all gonna stay locked up in their run and coop until they learn to put themselves to bed at night..
Oh and now I know why they refer to scared people as "chicken". My chickens are scared of everything! Yesterday, I put pine shavings in the run and they all huddled in the corner for almost an hour, like the shaving were face eating monsters.
Episodes of Lost In Space. (That Dr. Smith's a real asshole.), Uno and cars..
So, I'm at the grocery store the other day. Behind the deli counter, one of the bag men (he's probably my age, maybe a little bit older), passes out cold, hits his head on the tile, blood everywhere. They call an ambulance, the dudes still out, the ambulance gets there, the guy is still never regains conciseness, even with the poking and prodding. The paramedics ask a bunch of questions, bandage up his head, call his family and take him away.
The manager follows the paramedics out of the store. He walks back in as the ambulance is pulling away, shakes his head and states, rather loudly "Well, I guess we don't have a bagger for tonight. Nice!"
Dang...I'm glad I don't work for him!
The bag man is back at work so I guess he's ok now.
I'll play by the rules today. :P
Loathes..
None. Oh wait, that's not true, I still hate Sponge Bob.
Loves..
The chickens will be out of my house by the weekend. It's not that it's bad having them in here, they don't smell or anything like that, they're just really, really messy and the big green monster (the vacuum) almost gives them a heart attack every day. The run is 99% done and as predator proof as we could make it. I'll post pictures when it's finished (because I know you care!).
I realized the other day that I know nothing about boys and puberty. I grew up with 598 sisters but not a brother in sight. I asked DeWitte but he just put his fingers in his hears and rolled into a fetal position so I looked it up myself. Ha, I now know all things concerning boys and puberty..bring it!
DeWitte's coming home early from his business trip, yay!. But while he was gone, I got to use his dishwasher. That's like running with scissors. Hopefully, I didn't break it or I'll never hear the end of it.
Fresh, homegrown tomatoes from the farmers market. I don't think there's a bigger treat on the planet. In only a couple weeks, I'll be able to get time out of my own back yard..I can't wait!
The $200 we spent on that riding lawnmore from Craigs list. Seriously, best $200 we ever spent. Nathan cuts the grass more often than a retired old man. Now if we could only find a riding weed eater it's be like having our own private lawn service.
There's a black swallowtail butterfly laying eggs on my dill.
(Not my picture)
I'm not sure whether to be grossed out or awed. I do know it's time to break out the butterfly house, plant some dill in there and watch the life cycle in action (I'll transfer the caterpillars after they hatch). Stuff like that is so much fun! (See..I was born to be a mother. I get as much enjoyment out of it as Nathan does...sometimes I think, maybe more.)
OH my--- 90 miles? I'd be hospitalized. Can you walk today? read more
on Happy 4th!